...and for all you know
this could be
the difference between what you need
and what you wanna be...
Maybe you've noticed by now that I love to be spanked. Thinking back, my earliest childhood memories revolve around fantasizing about getting spanked. Since those early days spanking has been a consistent part of my life in one way or another. When I was 14 and learned that there was a whole world of people out there who shared my kink I knew that I would never live a life without spanking. What I'm trying to say is being spanked isn't just something I do, it's something I am. I have brown hair, green eyes, and I need to be spanked, it's that simple.
The thing is, I embraced (for the most part) my desires so young that I sort of expected I'd have it all figured out by now. And I do have a lot figured out. Over the years my kinky interests have been refined and mellowed. I know what I like. I know what I don't like but am willing to do for the right person. I know what absolutely, positively, is not acceptable. And I know what I'd like to try in the future - my kinky wish list, I guess you could call it.
What I sometimes forget is how much I need this. Last year I ended a wonderful relationship to a man who could not understand this thing we do. If I had stayed that course I know my life would be different now. I'd be married, I'd be thinking of starting a family, I would be very happy in many ways. And I would be missing one very important thing - being spanked. At the time the choice was easy. Since then? We'll there's been this niggling doubt - could I live without this? Along with that doubt came resentment. I resented my kink for making me choose between it and a life that otherwise would have made me very happy. I resented it for winning at the cost of stability and family. So I tucked it away in a small corner of my mind and tried to forget that I go crazy without it.
Of course it didn't last. I could give up air more easily than spanking. And so it's back. And with it, the realization I thought I had embraced so many years ago. This is what I need. This is who I want to be. Sixteen years ago I dove headfirst into a life full of happy kinky things. This year I'm diving back in to those familiar waters with renewed dedication.
Friday, September 5, 2008
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4 comments:
If you were instead an artist or musician, and told you’d be in every other way happy, all you had to do was never again even think about the very thing that makes your life yours, would the choice be clearer? From the way you have expressed it here, I would say the life you describe having would certainly be a good life for someone, just not you. Those things that you would have, that would you would be, are all you’d have to sustain you but they’d be missing a vital nutrient. In effect, you’d be feeding your soul from an empty spoon.
“Somewhere, ages and ages hence, two roads diverged in a wood. And I,
I took the one less traveled by. And that has made all the difference.”
Hi again mike & thanks for sharing your thoughts.
As is often the case, the situation with my ex was a little more complicated than I chose to explain here. His not getting my kink wasn't the only thing holding me back from taking the next step in that relationship. Truthfully, if it had been the only thing I'm not sure I could have made the same decision.
Yes, being into spanking is a huge part of what makes me me. But it is not the only part. The other things he was offering (a marriage, a family, etc.) are equally important to me. So how do you choose which part of yourself to forsake?
I made my choice hoping that there is someone out there who can give me all of that; but I'm realistic enough to know that may not be the case. Either way, I'm moving forward :)
Hi Emma,
I think you made the right choice, and I speak from experience when I say that. I married a wonderful vanilla 26 years ago. I had the same spanking needs as you described which started out in my pre-teen years. Prior to getting married my wife made it pretty much clear that she wanted no part of my kinky needs. I foolishly thought that I would either be able to change her resistance, or that I would be able to live without my spanking desires. Unfortunately for us both neither happened. Our marriage was great in all aspects with the exception of sexual intimacy. As much as I tried to avoid any thoughts involving spanking, it was on my mind daily. I remained faithful to my wife all through our marriage until the day she died. Now that I think back on our lives together, I wish I had waited (to get married) until I found someone that shared my spanking needs. If I ever get married again, you can bet that my spouse knows how to, and enjoys reddening a bare bottom, as well as having her oun reddened.
Gary
Ah, there are plenty of level-minded spanko men out there who combine spanking/DD/BDSM/kinky marriages with raising a family. Don't give up on that ideal.
sparkle :)
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